


Pour l'amour de Dieu, Johnathan

by cognitioncorsair



Category: Orbiting Human Circus of the Air (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, I love every single one of these characters so much you don't even know, alcohol use, drug mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-09-01 03:44:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8605987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cognitioncorsair/pseuds/cognitioncorsair
Summary: Leticia is the best. Julian is adorable. John is a dick. What else is new?Or: Leticia kicks ass hosting the show and no one is surprised.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I finally finished my Leticia-centric fic that I've been promising for forever (like a week)!! And yet I still don't know how to spell her last name, rip
> 
> French translations in the notes at the end :)

"Broadcasting from ze top of ze Eiffel Tower, ze Orbiting Human Circus wishes you a good night!"

Leticia stood firmly in the middle of the stage, hands clasped in front of her chest. She beamed out at the audience, who were applauding as loudly as ever, perhaps with even a bit more gusto than usual. She took a final bow, her hastily-bedazzled suit shimmering in the spotlight, and strode off the stage.

"Ms. Saltier, that was amazing!" Jacques exclaimed backstage, giving her a high five. She grinned at him.

"Zat was wonderful, I feel so... alive! I see why John likes it so much. And why ze little janitor always tries so hard to get on ze air."

Jacques scoffed. "The kid? Nah, he just wants ta make trouble."

Leticia pursed her lips. "I am not so sure about that, Jacques. Perhaps I should talk to John..."

"If you say so," he said dubiously. "But you're diggin' your own grave, Tish."

"Well, we will see, will we not?"

"Yeah, sure." He patted her on the back. "I'm headin' home, if you don't need me for nothin'. Congrats again on the show; maybe Cameron'll give you a permanent gig."

She waved him away, blushing. "Enough of zat, off you go."

Once he was safely out of sight, Leticia allowed herself a few more moments of celebration, bouncing up and down a little. What a thrill it was, to perform in front of the whole world!

She heard footsteps approaching and quickly stilled, smoothing down her jacket. She was about to head to the restroom to change back into her stagehand uniform when she felt a vibration on her leg. She examined her pants and found a small pocket, from which she pulled a small electronic device.

"Zat is very odd, I certainly did not put zat in zere. I did not even know zis suit 'ad pockets."

Leticia looked at the screen and scowled. "Pour l'amour de Dieu, Jonathan. Such a child." She begrudgingly walked to John's dressing room and knocked, still scowling.

"Leticia, is that you?" came a feeble response.

"Of course I am me, John, no one else cares enough to check on you."

"Come in, come in."

Leticia complied, rolling her eyes when she saw John lying on his bed with his arm draped over his eyes.

"John, are you sick in ze head as well as the stomach? What are you doing?"

"I'm dying, Leticia, I'm sure of it."

"John, if you asked me here to edit your will I swear I am going to..."

"No, no, of course not," he promised, although Leticia was sure she saw him slide a piece of paper under the blankets. "I just want to know how the show went."

Leticia frowned, crossing her arms. "John, you cannot tell me you did not listen to ze entire broadcast."

He had the decency to look sheepish. "Well, yes, I did." She glared at him. "You were lovely! Really great job, I'm so glad I chose you to fill in for me."

"John, you told me, and I quote," and here she adopted a very unflattering pseudo-American accent, "'literally anyone can do the show, as long as it's not the janitor, I don't give a fuck.' Zen you emptied your stomach onto ze stage."

John finally removed the hand from his face to shoot her a look, wincing in the sudden light. "I would never be so crass, not even while dying."

Leticia rolled her eyes. "John, I am very sorry to say zis, but you are not ze most self-aware man when it comes to ze janitor."

"Wh- what are you talking about?" he sputtered. “I don’t- I’m completely in control of myself, all the time.”

Leticia snorted. “Please, Jonathan, you are making me laugh.” She sat down on the edge of the bed, poking his leg until he moved it. She winced as a gem jabbed into her thigh.

“I cannot believe I allowed you to ruin zis outfit. I _adored_ zis outfit,” she complained.

(They had had a huge argument about it before the show started.

_“John Cameron, I will not stand for zis!”_

_“You’re representing_ me _out there, and I have a reputation to uphold!”_

_“A reputation of wearing horrible clothing and making a fool out of yourself?”_

_“God damnit Leticia, I have a_ great _fashion sense.”_

_“You really are a fool, Jonathan. Non, non, what are you doing, mon Dieu! John, zat is my favorite jacket! John, non! I swear, you will be truly dying when I am done with you!”_

How he managed to fight her off and simultaneously operate a bedazzler while bedridden was beyond her. The man could do anything if he set his mind to it.)

“I think it looks great, if that helps.”

“It really does not.” Leticia turned to John. “Did you actually need me for anyzing, or did you just summon me to be annoying?”

He pouted, rolling onto his side. “I just wanted to hear how the show went, in your opinion, but I guess that’s too much to ask, even for a poor dying radio show host.”

Leticia reached over and felt his forehead. “John, you are barely even warm.” She sighed. “Will you stop acting so dramatic if I tell you about the show? Oh, what am I saying, zat is never going to happen. No matter, it is not as if I have anyzing better to do with my time.”

John looked back at her, suddenly much more alert. “Didn’t you have a date tonight?”

Leticia pursued her lips. “Sadly, it was not meant to be. She is ‘too busy for love,’ she says. Anyways, yes, ze show. John, it was magnificent! Everyzing went so smoothly, I swear. And being on zat stage… oh, ze laughter, ze applause, it is like… it is like being on ze drugs zat ze children seem to take so much in ze recent years.”

John snorted with laughter, setting off a coughing fit that lasted for several minutes before Leticia forced him to drink a glass of water, most of which spilled on his silk shirt.

“Tish, you’ve never done a single drug, ever.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Oh, and I suppose you have, Mister John “wasted after drinking one and a half shots” Cameron.”

John crossed his arms. “Fine, whatever. I’m glad you had fun and didn’t completely ruin my show.”

Leticia perked up. “Oh, speaking of ruining your show, I had a thought about ze janitor. See, after being on ze show, I realize: he is not trying to ruin anything! He is simply feeling ze pull of ze stage! Surely you can understand zat, John?”

She smiled hopefully at him and he glowered back. “For the last time Leticia, I’m not letting him on the show. He. Is. The. _Janitor_. What part of that do you people not understand?”

“But Jooohn- “

“No!”

“John, he is so sweet, and ze audience, zey love his little entrances! Maybe just give him one little chance, for me, your best friend.” She fluttered her eyelashes exaggeratively.

He scowled. “Maybe I shouldn’t have let you do the show in the first place.”

Leticia gasped. “Well zen. I am going to find ze janitor and tell him, pardon my French, how much of an asshole you are. He will be my best friend now.”

“Leticia!” John whined.

“No, it is too late,” she said, pulling off her jacket and flinging it at him. As she left, she grabbed a bottle from the wine cabinet near the door. “And zis will be in return for ruining my outfit.”

“No, god damnit, Leticia, that wine is expensive!” he called after her.

“Va te faire foutre, Jonathan!”

Leticia walked down the hall, whistling cheerfully. Her only regret was not looking back to see the look on John’s face when she stole (what she knew very well to be) his most expensive bottle of wine. She popped the cork and took a swig. Not bad, if a little earthy for her tastes.

She found Julian in the men’s bathroom, bent over one of the toilets. Unlike John, who often found himself in that position as well, he was cleaning the toilet. _Wow, someone in zis tower is actually capable of doing ze job assigned to zem_ , she thought.

“Ah, Julian, I hoped I might find you here,” she said, coming up to lean against the wall near him. She took another drink of John’s wine. After doing the show and dealing with John, she felt like she deserved to relax a little.

The janitor turned to look at her and gave a little wave. “Hi Leticia! What’s up? How was the show?”

“Oh la vache! Were you unable to catch ze broadcast?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, Mr. Cameron got pretty mad at me last week, so I thought I should just, you know, stay completely out of the way, for a while.”

Leticia laughed. “Oh Julian, when is Mister Cameron _not_ angry with you? Has zat ever stopped you before?” He tensed up and she waved a hand at him. “Oh, I am only teasing. Do you want to know a secret?”

“I guess so?”

 “It is a secret so well kept zat even John himself does know. The secret is zis: he actually does like you, he just pretends to you and me and even himself zat he does not.” Her face scrunched up. “He is a very silly man, Julian. I worry about him.”

Julian turned back to his work, muttering something under his breath. Leticia stared at him.

“What was zat, zat you just said?”

“Nothing, Ms. Saltier.”

“Hmm.” She raised her eyebrows. “Zat is interesting, as I almost could swear I heard you say ‘me too’. Am I finally losing my mind? It is no wonder, working around zis madhouse.” She smirked at Julian’s back, noting the flush on the back of his neck. “Ah well, I suppose it must be so.” She leaned back against the wall, taking another drink and summoning her inner John Cameron.

“Well, if zis is how I go, it is not too bad. Anozer man’s alcohol in my hand, my dear friend Julian ze janitor by my side. Julian, will you hold my hand as I depart zis cruel world? Unfortunately, Johnathan has slighted me, so you must be ze one with me as I go to meet my maker. Oh Julian, my one and only friend. Come to me, Julian, so I may leave my body in peace.” Monologue over, she glanced over at the janitor, pleased to see him stifling laughter. She slid down the wall to sit on the floor, scowling as the bedazzles poked her once again.

“See, I can be an actor, just like Mister Cameron, non?”

Julian nodded, still cleaning.

“Just before I came to see you, do you know what he said to me? He said, ‘non, Tish, do not take my fancy wine which we both know I spent circus money on. Zat wine is my only friend!’ But just before zat, he said, ‘perhaps I should not have let you host ze show’. Imagine!”

Julian shook his head sadly.

“Of course, you know how I am feeling, Julian. See, only moments before _zat_ , I had said to John, ‘see, now I understand why zis janitor tries so hard to get onto ze show, perhaps you should give him a chance’. But he is not sympathetic, non. He says ‘zis is ze janitor, Leticia, he cannot be on ze show!’ And so I am here, with you.”

She sat, silently drinking and staring at the ceiling. Julian finished his work and came to sit next to her.

“John’s kind of a dick, isn't he?”

Leticia snorted. “Oui, oui, he is! But I do not expect such language from you, Julian, I am very surprised.”

Julian laughed. “Everyone here kinda treats me like a kid. I guess because I’m just the janitor, and everyone is so much cooler and more important than me.” He shrugged.

Leticia looked sideways at him. “Are you telling me you are not un enfant?”

“Tish, I- is it ok if I call you Tish? Tish, I’m thirty-one. Well, I will be next week.”

Leticia’s mouth fell open. “Non, non, zat cannot be! Why, you are almost as old as John and I! Oh, and it is your birthday soon? You must take some of John’s wine, in celebration! And you are old enough to drink as well? Wow.”

Julian took the offered bottle and frowned. “Wait, did you think I was too young to drink?”

Leticia giggled. “Ah, well, perhaps I just did not want to share zis wine in ze first place.”

They sat together, laughing and passing the bottle back and forth. Suddenly Julian turned to Leticia.

“Hey, Tish, you didn’t tell me how the show went.”

“Oh, no, you are right! Well, here, I will give you a play-by-play of my moment in ze sun.” She stood up and took a dramatic bow, Julian clapping enthusiastically.

“I walk onto ze stage, my suit glimmering as you see now.” She turned side to side and he grimaced. “Oui, I know, John is a terrible man for making me wear zis… zis abomination. But ze audience, well, zey seem to enjoy it. When I enter ze ballroom, zey are like, ‘oh, who is zis woman? Zis is not ze handsome and lovable host John Cameron?’ But zey applaud anyways. I do ze introduction, like so:

“’Broadcasting, from ze top of ze Eiffel tower, ze Orbiting Human Circus of ze Air!’ And zen ze bird is brought out by Jacques, and I say ‘ze orkestral, ze rare African bird. No one knows where it comes from, or where it goes, but today it is here to serenade you with ze great Beethoven’s ‘Double Dutch Tomorrow, Bring Your Own Rope’, accompanied by Orion, ze singing saw!’ And zen I exit ze stage and sit in ze special host’s chair, which John does not like anyone else sitting in. Ah, but I am ze host today, can I not sit in my own chair?”

Julian looked at her curiously. “Do you really not know where the orkestral comes from either?”

Leticia shook her head. “Non. None of ze stagehands know, only John himself. And sometimes I doubt even zat.”

“What do you mean?”

She grimaced. “I have not had confirmation of zis, but… I sometimes begin to suspect zat John does not know where ze acts come from.” She shook her head. “Ah well, zere is nothing to be done at ze moment. What is important is zat there was an act today. A wonderful act: a two-headed turtle who can sing opera with one head while solving mathematics problems with the other! Ze audience loved it, of course. Zey love everyzing we do here.”

She slumped back down next to Julian. “I am getting tired, give me more alcohol.”

He turned the bottle upside down, demonstrating its emptiness. Leticia shrugged. “Ah well, zat was most of ze show anyways.” She stood and patted Julian on the head. “You should get some sleep, you must be tired after all zat cleaning and holding yourself back from interrupting ze show. And I… I will go kick Johnathan out of his own bed so I can sleep. After all, it is ze host’s bed, is it not?” She giggled.

Julian looked up at her. “Leticia?”

“Yes, Julian?”

“Thanks. For, you know, talking to Mr. Cameron.”

She waved the praise away. “Oh, it is no matter. Ze man cannot see talent when it is under his own nose.”

“Still, I- “

“Julian.” Leticia crouched unsteadily in front of him and put her hand on his shoulder. “You may be a bother some of ze time. Well, a lot of ze time. But zat is no matter. You are still part of ze circus family, oui?”

Julian smiled gratefully at her, and she leaned in to give him a hug, losing her balance and almost hitting her head on the wall behind him.

“Tish…”

“Oui?”

“How much did you drink exactly?”

Leticia laughed. “Ha, zis is nothing. You should see Johnathan after a night out. Thirty hickeys and a black eye, every time, I swear! Ze man has many talents, but holding his liquor is not one of zem.”

She finally managed to stand again and walked towards the exit. She waved back at Julian and he returned the gesture. As she made her way to John’s dressing room, she thought about the two men, and the show, and everything that had happened to her since she had started working at the circus. _Oui, I may be ze only sane person in zis madhouse_ , she thought. _But zere is no other place I’d rather be_.

**Author's Note:**

> Pour l'amour de Dieu- for the love of god/for god’s sake  
> Va te faire foutre- go fuck yourself  
> Oh la vache- holy cow! (used to express surprise or dismay, similar to oh my god)  
> Oui- yes  
> Non- no
> 
> Credit to @bombshellburns on Tumblr for the line "thirty hickeys and a black eye"
> 
> Come chill with me @ rotatinghumancircus.tumblr.com where I make a post about not knowing how to spell Leticia's last name every other day!


End file.
